Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
