I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
