grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
