he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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