I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
