her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
