Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Your cock deserves a montage
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Randomize
