I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
