break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
