i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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