Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
