I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
