Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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