I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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