Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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