You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
