Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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