Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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