Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
she pinky promised me she was 18
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
