i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
