i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
