Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
