we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I wear drunk well.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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