I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
