Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Randomize
