my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
