Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
