Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
