How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
