im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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