i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
