Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
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This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
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My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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