Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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