he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
