I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
