Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
