Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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