I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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