I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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