Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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