This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
