Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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