I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
