I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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