Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
