I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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