I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
