Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.