Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
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I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
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They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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