end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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