Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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