The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
