god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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