so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
