and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
