Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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