oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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