Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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